Get your motor running.

I’ve been working Scott a bit.  Just a little.

I have a problem with paying airfare to place we can easily drive to.  Scott’s concept of an “easy” drive is different than my own, and that’s the root of the problem.  He thinks that driving to Orlando to catch the cruise would be something akin to torture (especially since I’m not particularly talkative/entertaining when riding shotgun).

I think that the savings we get from driving can be used on other things: island excursions, souvenirs (gotta come back with some Mickey swag), and photo packages (which are pricey).  Plus the idea of Rosco behaving himself while waiting in an airport is just ludicrous.  He’s good at self-entertaining, but when he’s around groups of people, some of which are kids, he likes to walk off and see what the other kids are doing.  I don’t care if he socializes - really, I don’t - but airports are uncomfortable enough without your kid running off to who knows where (at least on the cruise ship I know there’s a damn good chance of someone bringing him back.  He’s cute, but he’s high-maintenance.).  And, I also have an ear issue from air travel.  I don’t know what it is about my anatomy, but I can never get my ears to pop from the elevation changes.  I walk around for a few days after the flight going “Ehhhhhh?  What’d you say?”  It’s miserable!

Well, Scott might be willing to drive *if* I agree to do a park visit after disembarking the ship.  (I don’t know why he thinks I would need to be blackmailed for that.)  We would basically spend an extra night in Florida and drive home the next day.

I’m sorry, but in my opinion a nine-hour drive is not that far - especially with two drivers.  If we got up in the wee hours of the morning, bundled Rosco up, and let him sleep the morning away we’d be across the Georgia line by the time he’s up and ready to pee.

Think about this, Scott.  Imagine how cute Rosco would be in his new Mickey t-shirts.  Imagine how at-home I’d look with my nice set of Disney cruise ship coffee mugs.  Just think.

Posted by Tiffany on 12/31 at 12:14 PM
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The five types of pregant women.

A- Women whose bodies react to pregnancy in such a way that it seems an alien parasite has invaded their body and is destroying them from the inside out.  (These are the ones who need bed rest and IV fluids.)
B- Women whose “morning” sickness entails almost non-stop headaches, smell aversions, motion sensitivity, random unpredictable vomiting episodes, and extreme exhaustion.  Their morning sickness doesn’t stop at the expected time, making them shout at the ceiling “Why me?  I’m a nice person!”  (These are the ones that disappear off the radar for a couple of weeks because they’re at home with their heads under pillows.)
C- Women who have three weeks of morning sickness (that actually occurs in the morning) and that’s it.
D- Whiny, cranky bitches who have absolutely no symptoms but want people to feel sorry for them.
E- Women who feel fantastic all 280 days of pregnancy and who can carry on their day-to-day business with no interruption.

I’m type B.  At 13 1/2 weeks I’m peering down that dark tunnel called “hormone headaches” and “throwing up acid reflux remnants in the morning” looking for that bright light.  It’s hard to be a happy, perky pregnant woman when you feel like gum scraped off a shoe sole for 14+ hours of the day.

I’ll never complain about being pregnant on this blog.  Not after what I’ve been through.  I will find pregnancy-related things to bitch about (that I can promise).

Posted by Tiffany on 12/30 at 07:48 PM
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Hello.

How you durrin’? (asked with a “Wendy Williams voice”).

Hope your holidays were restful.

Mine were, and I got lots of good loot.  I got pajama bottoms, a new bathrobe, a gap gift card which I surprisingly haven’t used yet, various food treats, and look - house shoes:

Very comfy.  The reason I’m wearing socks is because I have genetic foot funk.

Of course Rosco got plenty of goodies, none of which are loud or annoying (thank the stars).  I think his favorites are a toss-up between his Crayola easel (we’ve only been letting him use the dry erase side so far) and his Thomas trains.  He’s ignored his Disney cars pretty much completely since Christmas morning.  I hope he brings them back into the fold soon because when I do the math in my head about how much all those Docs, Lightnings, and ‘Maters cost in aggregate it makes me sweat a little.

Anyway.  I’m super-behind on work.  Like - I totally deserve the slacker-ass slacker award for the past couple of weeks.  I need to raise my productivity level a lot in the next few days, so if you don’t hear from me it’s probably because I’m cyber-strangling some copyeditor.  Oh…I mean…graciously revising my prose.

Posted by Tiffany on 12/28 at 11:29 AM
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Who should be on Santa’s “naughty list”?

USPS.

I mean, what the hell?!  I just got back from the post office and I’m wondering now if I should have just drove the damn gifts to the recipients myself.

Here’s the thing.  I don’t buy hugely extravagant gifts for people because I don’t like receiving hugely extravagant gifts.  If you spend fifteen minutes in a store trying to find me a notepad with pigs on it because you remember that I used to collect pigs back in the day - that’s a meaningful gift for me.  Don’t drop a wad of cash.  So, I have a niece and three nephews.  Since I’m not independently wealthy I had to keep their gifts within a certain price range.  I went and picked out some hands-on stuff they can do that doesn’t require plugs or monitors.  The gifts weighted a total of 5.5 pounds and cost me about $11 to ship Priority Mail.  $11 is probably 20% of the total gift cost.  If I had divided the gifts into two smaller flat rate boxes I could have saved a few cents.  What kind of shit is that?  USPS does twice the work handling two packages going to the same place.  Duhhhh.

I also had to mail out a 2-lb package to a person I secret santa’d.  $8 Priority Mail.  $8 for a big-ass ENVELOPE because they ran out of regular priority boxes.  Oh - and to make it worse, if I’d sent it flat rate, it would have cost me $13 because it couldn’t fit into the smaller box.

Then to top it off, I got a package in the mail from my cousin in California.  It’s a priority mail box the size of a board game.  He spent $22 shipping it.

Merry Christmas.

Posted by Tiffany on 12/21 at 05:01 PM
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Transcription.

Heard from Rosco’s room:

“I don’t have to!”

It’s NOT my naptime, neither! 

eeee.  eee.  eeeeEEEeee.  eee. eee. eee.

oh.  oh.

It’s NOT my naptime!  It’s not that OK!”

It’s not my naptime, neither!”

*grunts*  *grunts*  *grunts*  *grunts*  *grunts*”

[silence - is he asleep?]

Posted by Tiffany on 12/18 at 04:15 PM
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Potty Humor

Rosco: (whilst standing in front of potty with pants around ankles) “See - I pooped.  A big one, a big one, and a little one!”

Posted by Tiffany on 12/17 at 06:28 PM
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*quivvers in annoyance*

This child is going to make me lose whatever sanity I have left.

I needed a nap today. Badly.  Given that Rosco complains about Little Bear when it comes on, I figured that would be as good a time as any to take a break and get some sleep.  He’s a raging jackass by the end of the day himself, so I figured he could use some rest, too.

Anyway, I just spent the last 45 minutes with him yanking covers off me and screaming in my fucking ear.  I’m seriously waiting for a neighbor to call CPS or something.  He’s not crying, per se, he’s just shouting.  Going “AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!”  Experienced parents know what “Ouch, I’m hurt” tears sound like.  These are “I will control you” tears.

How do I know this?  Because every few minutes he would rip the covers off my face to make sure that I was paying attention to him and that he was sufficiently bothering me.

Most children would just fall asleep crying.  Not this one.  He could yell for two hours and then get up and go about his business.

Help.

Posted by Tiffany on 12/16 at 03:42 PM
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I think it’s time…

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not cleaning this house.  It hasn’t had a full cleaning since before Hyper McHyper was born.

Now don’t get me wrong: the house isn’t junky, and doesn’t have any lingering odors (except the ones rising off the litter boxes).  I just can’t get into mopping and dusting and constant vacuuming and things of that nature.  I just can’t.  Sorry.

I need a cleaning lady to come in and sort of just sanitize things a bit every now and then.  I just hate to have to contract someone out to do it since my lazy ass will likely be sitting right in this chair while she’s here.

Posted by Tiffany on 12/15 at 11:00 AM
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Rosco at 3

We just got back from Rosco’s three-year well-child appointment.  They were only running, oh, an hour behind.  The waiting room cleared out TWICE in the time we were there.  It’s like everyone else in there was coughing or otherwise excreting bodily fluids through holes in their heads.  Of course we’ll both be sick with something or other by Friday.

R weighs 34 pounds which puts him in the 75th percentile for weight.  He’s 38.5 inches tall and also in the 75th percentile for height.  His BMI is at around the 50th percentile, which I suppose is good…unless the kids in percentiles 51-100 are overweight.  That would suck.  I tell you one thing - he’s at the point now that I can’t get him into the seat of grocery carts without mild embarrassment.  I’m short, and he’s heavy.

He has normal vision (*jazz hands*).

The doc is still encouraging us to hang on to quiet time/nap time.  From her mouth to God’s ears, because this kid doesn’t believe in peace and quiet during daylight hours.  He does get enough sleep overnight, so at least we have that going for us.

Doctor said his storytelling and communications skills are right on.  That kid was yapping the entire time.  I thought my head was going to explode from all the chatter.  (I suspect it had something to do with the syrup he had on his French toast this morning.)

Rosco also got his seasonal flu shot, so I’m hoping that throbbing thigh will slow him down for a few hours.  I know that sounds mean, but after he went all hyper-beserk at the doc’s office and started running laps around the exam room I need a bit of downtime.

Posted by Tiffany on 12/14 at 01:06 PM
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Statement of the day I don’t agree with:

“Female bodies are meant to have babies!  Choosing to have a c-section without trying to delivery vaginally is unnatural!!!!”  (You can guess which board I poached that sentiment from if you’d like.)

Okay, lookie here - just because all (er…most) women come equipped with ovaries and uteruses doesn’t mean they’re suitable to deliver a child vaginally.  I was able to (with my own fair share of trauma, thanks), but if my next kid is much bigger I might be in a world of trouble.

Here’s the thing: hip size is one of those things that’s passed down with small changes from generation to generation.  Up until recent centuries, tribe would stay with tribe, and people would have kids of expected sizes.  Now that we live in a global society, it’s possible for a teeny tiny Japanese woman to give birth to a future linebacker.  Chances are she’s not going to push that kid out the “natural” way.

Science evolves as people do.  100 years ago, the teeny tiny Japanese woman may have died in labor.  Now she may have an ultrasound at 38 weeks and her doctor might suggest that natural labor isn’t going to be productive because there’s no way the child will fit through her pelvis.  Doctor schedules a c-section to minimize trauma to mom and child.

So, if you have two parents who are about the same height and build - yeah, kid is probably going to be an okay size to push out.  There are a multitude of other reasons why a woman wouldn’t want to attempt a vaginal birth.  Maybe she’s had past surgeries on her uterus or has congenital abnormalities.  If she’s aware that her risk of complications (hemorrhaging, fracturing pelvic bones, etc.) is much higher from doing things the “natural way,” why would she want to?

Anyway.  The amount of judgment women cast on each other is ridiculous.

Posted by Tiffany on 12/13 at 01:37 PM
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“I don’t like this toy.”

Meet Jake.  He’s a character from the new James Cameron movie Avatar.  You talk to him, and he lights up.  Alternately, you can just beat him into a table or clap loudly.

Rosco has declared that the toy is scary and has banished it to my desk’s junk drawer.  He insists that Scott put it in the “gray bucket” when he comes home.  I think it’s the fact that the toy responds (somewhat crudely) to sound.  Now, if the damned thing actually talked back with logical statements I would be pitching it into the waste bin myself.

Why can’t McDonald’s offer the choice to trade the damn things in for ice cream like Chick-fil-a?

Posted by Tiffany on 12/11 at 04:09 PM
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They’re on a roll!

Enough with the wrong numbers!  While I was taking a fake nap with Rosco (meaning me laying on the sofa semi-comatose waking up periodically to tell the kid to stop jumping on me) I got a missed call from someone at Britthaven.

Do you have Britthavens where you are?  It’s a chain of nursing homes.  Anyway, it was a nurse relaying details about someone’s momma who had an eye infection and who had to have some testing today.

Um…HIPAA?  I thought folks weren’t supposed to leave that sort of information in unidentified voicemail boxes?

If I were in an awesome mood today I’d call them and let them know their intended party didn’t get the message, but I’m not.  I’m tired.  I reckon I’ll be tired until the huz and I have separate Craftmatic beds.  That man was UP and DOWN last night.  It would have been forgivable if I’d heard a single episode of vomiting or explosive diarrhea but no such luck.  Give me a break, man!  I have enough problems with insomnia as it is.

Posted by Tiffany on 12/09 at 06:02 PM
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Confession, or maybe not really.

Here’s something y’all should know about me.  I’m not a morning person.  There aren’t enough sausage links and crispy bacon in the world to get me out of bed before 10 on most mornings.  It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s just my programming.  I’ve always been that way.  My energy doesn’t start kicking in for the day until late afternoon.  I spend a lot of nights trying to sleep at reasonable hours, but instead rolling around and sighing in exasperation.

What makes it worse is when my phone rings at crazy-ass hours.  Like 7 am.  Nobody I know calls me in the morning (doctors offices and the sort the exception).  To be on the safe side, people don’t call me until around lunch time.  That’s when I’m “pleasant.”  So, imagine my horror and disgust when my damn cell phone (which I keep under my pillow in case some boo-boo tries to break into the house at night) rung at 7 o’clock this morning.

Who was it?  Wrong number.  It’s a wrong number call that’s been hounding me a few times a year for the past couple of years!  (I’ve had this number for about 7.)  An old lady looking for somebody named Charlie.  Now, when I had a Sprint phone my outgoing message obviously said “This is Tiffany.  Leave a message.”  The lady would still leave messages!  Now, my AT&T phone doesn’t have a personalized message.  It just says “This AT&T customer is not available” or some generic shit like that.  So, the lady goes on to leave long detailed messages about senior pictures and needed to swap them out for kids’ projects and yada yada.  So.

I could just answer the phone and tell her, “Look lady, you’re barking up the wrong tree” (again) but I know in a few months she’ll forget again and dial my number instead of the other guy’s.  It’s a never-ending cycle.  You would think, though, that since she’s been trying to get ahold of Charlie so hard and Charlie hasn’t called back that she’d drive down there and see what’s up, huh?  If she calls again at a reasonable hour I’ll probably let her know she’s not going to find Charlie here.

I just don’t want to be called at 7 am is my point.  Thanks.

Update: Lady called back at 12:25.  I told her she had the wrong number and she said “Oh.”  And hung up on me.

Posted by Tiffany on 12/08 at 12:07 PM
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Grr, Cyber Monday.

Because I’m a sucker, I decided to take advantage of that 20% Off Everything! promo Gap, Inc. had online last Monday.  To boot, they offered free shipping.  I got about $50 worth of shirts for myself (not gifts - just stuff to get me through the winter).  There wasn’t any real hurry.  I placed that order last Monday.

Fast-forward to today and my stuff is still coming up in the order system as “In process.”  That means the order items hadn’t yet been gathered together yet and boxed up.  As long as the order shows as “in process” you can cancel it.

So, I woke up on the annoyed side of the bed this morning and called 1-800-Old-Navy to cancel the damned order.  I’m not going to wait until Valentine’s Day for a bunch of shirts, you know?  I understand that free shipping is SLOW, but these weren’t even picked up by UPS yet.  That’s not slow shipping - that’s slow PROCESSING.  There are two Old Navy’s within five miles of here.  I could just go to the store, but figured I’d have better luck with sizes online.  Anyway.

I called and the rep said that it could take up to ten days for things with free shipping to go out.  DO WHAT, NOW?  So, basically, unless you “upgrade” your shipping, you not only get pokey-slow delivery but also the warehouse sits on your shit until it goes out of style.  I told her to cancel the order anyway telling her honestly that I hadn’t expected it to take this long.  The thrill is gone, you know?

She said she’d “make a note” but there was a chance that the packaging people would “miss” the cancellation and the shipment would go out anyway.  I didn’t expect this to be a problem since she’d just said it’d take about 10 days.  I figured there was no way the order would get tangled up.

I was surprised, though, that the order didn’t show up as “canceled” in the system after the call.  I figured it would take a few hours and so I’d check later.

Checking a few hours later, I noticed that my order is now marked as “SHIPPED” and has now been tagged with a UPS tracking number.

So…if you call and cancel your order, apparently the “note” they put in is “ship this shit out today or we’re out $$$.”  So, Gap, Inc. - in interest of full disclosure from now on, please make sure that your “free shipping!!!” promotion actually reads “slow-ass processing because we’ll box everyone else’s stuff before yours.”  Free standard shipping is supposed to be as speedy as paid standard shipping.  It’s the same thing - JUST FREE.  If you want to call it “economy service” or something like that where people don’t expect to get their stuff until 3 weeks later, fine.  Just don’t make the option sound like something it ain’t.  I’ve never had a “standard” Old Navy delivery take longer than a week from start to delivery - holiday or not.

Smeh.

Edited to add on Tuesday: So, my stuff is in Greensboro already and will be delivered tomorrow.  That’s 2-day shipping.  Again, that’s not slow shipping.  That’s slow processing.

Posted by Tiffany on 12/07 at 06:34 PM
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My personal assistant has the day off.

I need to go out and run some errands.  I’m going to a small cookie swap tomorrow (small meaning I don’t need to make 47,232 cookies) and need to get some sort of wrapper for each person’s portion because I’m going to be basically be doing a drive-through on the event.  A.C. Moore usually has cute bags for this purpose, so I’ll probably head there.  I also need to get some mason jars while I’m out, because I’m going to can a few things (I wasn’t joking when I said people are getting stuff in jars for Christmas).

While I’m out I need to source some Tylenol (I have a headache).  We have every drug known to man in our “medicine drawer” and none of it is Tylenol.  Plenty of turbo-powered shit that’ll knock you on your ass, though.  I should probably flush all those narcotics.  Neither of us adults can tolerate them anyway, and Rosco hasn’t had reason to take any yet.

Then I need to go to Home Depot and get a filter for our heating/air conditioning unit.  It’s come due for replacement and the build-up in the air is probably what’s contributing to my headache.  Same thing happens every three months - you’d think I’d be prepared for it.

So, I’m going to go…as soon as I put on a bra and brush my teeth.  Nah, I don’t need a bra.  I’m wearing two shirts.

Posted by Tiffany on 12/07 at 12:46 PM
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